As a relationship develops, it's normal for sex to become less frequent, then throw in a few dry spells, and you may have you wondering if that's normal. While a healthy sex life is satisfying, it doesn't depend on how often others engage in sex. With this in mind, you may wonder, how long is too long without sex in a relationship?
What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy
While both sex and intimacy can be important in a relationship, According to Dr. Barton Goldsmith, (1) sex is considered the physical act of sexual intercourse. In contrast, intimacy is a tender exchange between two people who love each other deeply.
It's those moments in your everyday life that keep you open and connected to each other in a way that you don't get from anyone else. It can make you feel loved and truly cared for. Intimacy can be part of sex, but it may not always be that way.
Is There a Norm For How Much Sex You Should Be Having
At one time or another, couples in long-term relationships wonder if there is an average frequency for how much sex they should be having. Of course, that question may come up because you're not satisfied with the amount of sex you're having,and you're wondering why things have cooled down.
All couples are different, so no right number of times will work for everyone. There are various factors at play in relationships that can slow down or change frequency, so it's up to each couple to decide what works for them.
How Often Do Couples Have Sex?
But if you're curious about what the research says, according to one study, (2) the estimated average amount of sex for an adult is about once a month, depending on the age group. Yet, another study (3) concluded that couples that enjoy sex once a week were satisfied with their relationship, but having sex more often than that didn't improve that overall satisfaction.
What Does it Do to the Relationship if You're Not Having Sex?
For many people, lack of sex with their partner can affect how they view the relationship and their partner. But not all couples are in sync with each other all the time, so it's natural for lulls in sex to occur. But when sex seems to come to a halt, and one or both of you find it a problem, it can cause negative feelings. Those feelings can often lead to:
- Resentment
- Anger
- Frustration
- Guilt
- Inadequacy
- Loneliness
- Stress
Over time, all the negative feelings can interfere with the ability to communicate openly and sever your emotional connection. Sadly, this can cause a loss of kindness to each other. Relationships depend on certain things to stay alive. When both people have different expectations about sex, it can cause serious problems affecting the rest of the relationship. (4)
Five Reasons You May Not Be Having Sex
There are so many things in life that can alter how we feel and the level of our libido. But some of the reasons may be off your radar. Let's look at the most common reasons your sex life has taken a back seat. (5)
- You're exhausted.
There's no doubt our lives are busy. Between kids and family responsibilities, working, finances, and everyday problems, we're all burnt out both physically and mentally. This often makes sex feel like one more thing we have to do.
- Body Image
Nothing diminishes a sex drive more than not feeling confident about your body when taking off your clothes. Although we tend to see faults in ourselves that no one else will notice, you m worry about your partner's thoughts and decide to avoid the situation.
- Hormonal imbalances.
Whether your hormones are out of whack due to menopause or low testosterone, it can put a damper on libido and the ability to enjoy sex. Finding solutions like hormone replacement therapy and TRT can help get you back in the game.
- Uneasiness about the relationship
If you've gone through some difficulties in your relationship, it can make you unsure of how your partner feels about you, so engaging in sex is more stressful than you'd like. Mental health issues can significantly affect how you feel about sex, so taking care of that is vital.
- Lack of trust
Whether it's an affair or something else that breaks your partner's trust, that void between you can just be too much. Being loving and intimate requires a certain amount of trust; without it, it can be impossible to rev up the sex drive.
- Living with a roommate
When relationships change from being lovers to dealing with household issues, many lose that connection that makes them want to have sex. Instead, live in a home with a friend, business partner, and roommate.
How to Increase the Frequency of Sex in a Relationship
Relationships go through many stages and change along the way, which can sometimes derail the amount of sex you're having. When you feel like your sex life has made a wrong turn, and you and your partner want to fix it, there are steps you can take to rebuild the intimacy you once felt for each other. (6)
- Open communication. Talking about how you feel in the relationship is vital so both people can understand where each other is coming from. Asking questions is a great way to start a dialogue of honest communication.
- Discuss your needs. Talking about what you want can be uncomfortable, but it can bring you closer. Men and women have different approaches, so knowing your partner needs more kissing and closeness or other activities before sex can alleviate anxiety or frustration.
- Take the lead. If you're interested in sex with your partner, start by sending a sexy note or show them more attention. Loving acts warm both people up, so what comes later will feel like a natural extension of intimacy.
- Date night. It can be tough to get in the mood after a crazy day. Scheduling a date night can help to carve out some special time for each other and keep you connected.
- Be spontaneous. Sometimes reigniting the spark just needs an unexpected shift. Do something special for your partner that you can both enjoy. You never know where it may lead!
Conclusion: How Long is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship
When it comes to sex, there is no one-size-fits-all answer for how much sex is enough. That depends on each individual and their preferences. Everyone has ups and downs in their desire, and that's natural. When in a relationship, it's essential to talk about what you want. You can then work together to keep each other satisfied and offer and receive the support you need.
